The other day, another Shanghai expat gave me a book for living in Shanghai with kids—written specifically for expatriate families. I am quite relieved that I am normal! (At least in my response to China.) We are at the end of our second month here, soon to start the third. Typical feelings during that time are “disenchantment, restlessness, impatience, irritability, search for security in familiar activities, withdrawal, discouragement, homesickness”-- this kind of sums it up!
The past couple of weeks have been difficult for me. Last week I had my first break down where I just couldn’t stop crying. I missed all of you and life in the United States so much. On the worst day, I kept thinking of all that we had given up—possibly even the future of Ryan’s job at JCI and our life in Holland by coming here. I found a quote that I love that God has been using to heal my heart.
“When the world threatens to crush our hope, we must cling to the knowledge of God’s goodness. Even when our feelings tell us otherwise--knowing God’s goodness will gradually restore our sight. Then we will see our situation clearly, as daughters of a heavenly father who desires our good more than we possibly can imagine.” (from a devotional on the Israelites as they complain about the desert and how life was better in Egypt) God has used this to remind me that he has given me his peace throughout this season and his plan is perfect and what I want—his plan is what is best for every member of our family, although it may look different at times than what I want it to look like. I have to keep reminding myself that God is faithful and good, and it is okay that I have opened up my hands and life to Him--He will take care of me.
Although I am very thankful for the help that comes with the Ayi, it is difficult to have her here. I had visions of someone just coming to clean the things that I asked to be cleaned… the bathrooms and floors being the ones that I wanted most. From my experience with this Ayi, she comes into the house and takes over—everything. Like when I was at the sink, rinsing dishes from lunch and putting them in the dishwasher, she came and took over, when Elijah is crying or throwing a fit, she comes and takes him from me. After the second day of her being here, I had an identity crisis… who am I and what am I supposed to do in China? Things are a little better this week. I have set some boundaries of household responsibilities that I want to keep and on being the parent which has helped, along with the realization that even with her cleaning 2 days a week, there are still 5 other days where milk is spilled, meals are made, toys are played with—so there is still work for the kids and I to do together. I am contemplating having her come only once a week—I think that would be enough time for the kids to still get to know her and a more reasonable amount of time for the work that I want done. (With needing to fill 16 hours a week, last week Ayi went through all of our drawers, taking all of the clothes out and refolding them, and today refolded all of the clothes from our walk-in closet!) The kids are doing better with her, although the language barrier is difficult for them too. She is always trying to help, but many times when the kids don’t want/need help and they get frustrated with her, because no matter what they say, she just smiles and continues to do what she is doing (like helping Elijah color by taking his hand and coloring with him or taking Anna’s hand and writing her letters for her.) Anna has made the most progress. Today, before nap, she said that she liked her but Ayi is always talking and Anna doesn’t understand what she is saying to her—that will come too.
There has been good in the past couple of weeks too…we met a Christian family that lives in our compound and goes to our church. They have only been here since the beginning of January and are very nice. The wife, Florence and I are talking about doing a Bible study together once a week, and are actually going grocery shopping together tomorrow. She has friends here from England that have taken her around to show her where to shop, where to get the best meat etc and she is going to help me out! Yeah! Please be praying for like-minded friends for me. I have found that I am very different than the normal expat in Shanghai. Most love the spoiled lifestyle that is readily available here. I don’t want someone to take over all of my responsibilities including house and children. I love spending time with my kids, and feel that I am making the right decision to be with them, but seem to be the only one here who does. I know there has to be others, but I have not met them. The days where the kids and I are home or Ryan is home are great… the days that Ayi is here or we have to go out of the compound are difficult. I’m sorry to write such a downer blog! I know there are many people praying for us though, so wanted to share my heart with you so you can know how to pray. Thank you! Much love to you all.
The pictures are of the kids playing at the indoor play zone that is right in the Belle Wood compound. It is a great place that the kids love once we get there. Right now, the problem is getting there. It is about a 10 min walk, which Anna hates so everytime we go down there, it is a battle. I am hoping that with the arrival of the bike and double stroller, she will look forward to playing there so we can go more often. It is a nice change of scene, and if we go in the evening or a weekend, a good place to meet people.
